Don’t worry, I’m not
going to start preaching and then pull out some rattlesnakes and vials of
battery acid. What I am talking
about is (for lack of a better term) an attitude
or way of thinking that we should have all of the time, but especially when we
are dealing with confrontation. Have
you ever had someone really mad at you? I’m
not talking about the “Why can’t you remember to
put the lid down?” mad. I’m
talking about the “Dive for cover, he’s going for
the chainsaw!” enraged fury type of mad.
After a heated exchanged did
you ever wonder, “How did that get so out of control?”
Usually the problem lies in emotional snares.
Emotion isn’t a bad thing, God created emotion, but when we make
decisions and take action based solely on emotion (feelings),
then disaster is in the air. Anger
is a secondary emotion; it occurs only after one feels helpless or hurt.
Anger can muddy the water and make
it difficult to identify the root issue.
Before we can employ any
strategy to resolve or prevent conflict, we must understand that no matter what
we do we cannot control anyone else. We
can only control our own thoughts, actions, and reactions etc.
Psychologists have a $25 phrase for this concept; it is ‘locus
of control’. However,
we DO have an influence on others, so we must look within our ‘locus’
and make sure we are doing the right things.
But before we begin to try to resolve or de-escalate the conflict there
are some important steps we must take.
There is always the
possibility that the situation could boil over, no matter what we do or say, so
we must look out for #1 by Preparing
for a Physical Confrontation. In
doing this we are not going into the situation looking for a fight, it’s just
the old Boy Scout adage of “Be Prepared”;
we are making a contingency
plan.
"It's
better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an
opportunity and not be prepared."—Whitney Young
When
Preparing for a Physical
Confrontation, take the following precautions:
Find an Escape Route
—By finding an escape route before a possible clash ensues, we are one more step ahead of the game. This doesn’t mean only exits, but also any obstacles in your path. It is a good idea to do this anywhere you go for general safety reasons, in case there is a fire, tornado, earthquake, etc.
Inventory Potential Weapons
—Are there any objects that
could be used as weapons? (Either
against you or against your assailant.) This also includes anything
you could use to your advantage by shielding yourself from attack.
—You should always place
yourself in the best terrain possible. The
key is to notice obstacles and advantages (at the least) that you might need to
avoid or use. This includes footing (slick surfaces etc.) and room to
maneuver. Positional
Safety is very important in Terrain Awareness,
there may be more than a single individual involved in the situation; don’t
let yourself be surrounded.
SAVED
There
are basic tools that if used properly should prevent a heated exchange from ever
occurring or if the temperature is already hot, it should help ‘cool
things off’. There are
five points that contribute to the rising temperature of any situation, we have
addressed these in the following: Safety, Attention,
Value, Empathy, and Decency, or SAVED. These
may sound similar in some respects to the more popular dialectic oriented ‘conflict
resolution’ strategies, but there are specific differences.
SAVED isn’t a conflict resolution
strategy, it is a reminder for us to ‘Take a Look in
the Mirror’ and realize if our thoughts, actions, and reactions are
helping to ‘cool things off’ or if they are ‘fanning
the flames.’ These
points don’t solve the specific problem;
they clear the emotional snares so that you can.
We are limited in how much we can do by our ‘locus
of control’, so we must work inside of our ‘locus’
when employing SAVED
Here
is a basic overview of SAVED:
Safety
One
of the major reasons a person may choose to fight is because he feels
threatened. By aiding in providing
a Safe
Environment we are removing
this stumbling block from his path to reason.
Attention
Another
cause for hostility is the belief that one is being ignored. By giving others your
full attention, you
show consideration for them.
Value
Another reason for conflict is the belief that you don’t value him or her as a person. In short, he or she thinks you believe you are above them. Value is not respect; respect must be earned. So must disrespect. Value need not be earned; it is intrinsic to every human being.
Empathy
A
person who is misunderstood can become very frustrated, and this frustration can
lead to a conflict if not addressed. Empathy
and Sympathy are different.
Sympathy requires you take his side.
Empathy
requires that you make an attempt to understand him.
Decency
A
person who is treated rudely is more inclined to become belligerent than one who
is
treated with common decency. Treat others as you would wish to be treated if
the roles were reversed.
If
we make SAVED our attitude or our mindset
and employ it at all times, if we make it a natural part of our unconscious
behavior, then we are well on the road to prevention or de-escalation of
conflict.
In
future articles we will discuss each point in detail and give them some
practical ‘legs’ to help you Be
SAVED.
Mark
Long
02 June 05