Have You Been SAVED, Part II:
Safety
This is the second installment in our
series “Have
You Been SAVED?” focusing on ‘Safety’.
By way of review, SAVED is a formula
for de-escalating hostility in an altercation before it becomes violent, which
stands for Safety, Attention,
Value, Empathy and Decency.
While we cannot force
someone to behave in a certain manner, we can remove the emotional snares that
are within our locus of control. By
managing the atmosphere of the encounter in these five areas, we can prevent a
verbal exchange from escalating to violence.
The first and simplest way to ensure a rational setting is to provide
a safe environment—if a person feels threatened in a conflict, he
is much more likely to transition from verbal aggression to physical aggression.
So what makes a person hostile? Anger, as we have said before, is a secondary emotion, so to
neutralize his aggressiveness we must examine the primary
emotions and triggers that are the root of the situation,
such as fear, embarrassment, helplessness
and pain. A person cannot feel safe if he thinks he will experience
these snares, so if we can remove or neutralize them, then we have cleared the
path to address the core conflict more directly and peaceably.
(These primary factors may not even be real; even
the mere perception of them can be enough to intensify the hostility, so
then it becomes a matter of breaking down the illusion of their existence.)
Fear
Fear of being singled out
If the other person feels singled out, then in effect
you are drawing battle lines and declaring him or her as your enemy.
It is safest to approach a problem from common ground, so the better you
are able to convince the other person that you are not ‘out to get him’ the
more cooperative he or she will become. Sometimes
this can be difficult as the lines are already drawn.
For example, if you belong to rival political parties and are discussing
a politically charged subject, there are some inherent prejudices. (I’ve never
heard of a fistfight that resulted from two guys arguing politics, but you get
the point.)
Fear of being labeled
People are more than labels, and by reducing the
‘whole person’ to a simple label one can feel misunderstood. In such situations it is usually best to avoid labels—they
are divisive and unproductive. You
are not a political party; you are a person trying to address an issue.
Likewise, if there is a perception of racial tension, it is unfeasible
(and unnecessary)
to deny or hide your ethnicity.
It is imperative that the both of you look past the labels and connect on
a more personal level.
Fear of being cornered
| If a person is cornered
without any means of escape, he
will likely become aggressive.
Time and again we want to resolve the conflict so much, and we
don’t want the other person to just storm off, that we unconsciously corner
them in an attempt to get the whole situation cleared up right then and there.
This has the unfortunate result of intensifying the situation.
Even in war, you never corner your enemy without expecting them to become
a more vicious adversary; so always give others the safety of an escape route or
back door so that they know they are able to leave if they so choose. |
|
Fear of being outnumbered
If a person is outnumbered,
or feels that he is being ‘ganged up on’, he may become violent to even the
odds. This can happen in
many group situations where most are of the same viewpoint and one is
dissenting. He can feel like he is
being hunted and shares the same defensive emotions as the person who is
cornered. It is important in such
situations to avoid surrounding that person, which will compound his
fears (cornering him). It will also
help if you ensure the conversation does not get personal; if it is already,
then depersonalize it. Speak in
conceptual terms. Try to have a
single spokesperson for the group opinion so he doesn’t feel so outnumbered.
If it is an environment you can control, then avoid such a lopsided
summit (for example, if you must discipline an employee, there is no reason to
have the entire room full of executives to make him feel he is on a firing
squad).
Fear of being demonized
|
|
If a person feels he is being demonized
for his inclusion in a particular group or some behavior or belief, he may react
defensively in an attempt to fight for what he believes in.
There is a difference between disagreement and judgment. There can be a peaceful coexistence with a person with whom
you disagree, but if they are denigrated and blacklisted, there is no hope for
relations to get better. We must
therefore make it clear that his views will not make him a target in the future. |
Embarrassment
Fear
of Ridicule
If
a person feels he is being ridiculed, he may
become belligerent.
This is similar to being demonized, but instead of creating fear, it
creates humiliation.
Good-natured
ribbing is all right so long as the object of the joke can retain his dignity.
To pull a very public prank on someone who is already uneasy or
uncomfortable in the setting is undesirable.
Practical jokes of this nature cease to be funny when safety is
compromised.
Helplessness
Fear
of Manipulation and/or Coercion
| If
a person feels manipulated
or coerced,
he may turn to aggression in order to regain control.
Self-protection is preventing someone from controlling you, and if
you force your will upon someone, then you should expect retaliation.
Using ‘you have to’ language is unnecessary and self-destructive.
Instead, utilize a ‘we all need to’ phraseology, which will include
that person in the standard the group must all adhere to. This puts you on the same level of accountability.
Trying to force certain behavior, even for a good cause, violates his
freedom of choice. |
|
Fear
of Marginalization
If
a person feels marginalized
and dismissed, then he may
become violent so that his views or plights are addressed.
An individual will not feel safe if he thinks that nothing he says or
does will count for anything. Before
the Nazis could start eliminating the Jews, they had to put them on the
sidelines out of the sphere of influence. Once
again, ensuring that everyone is included in a real way and making certain
everyone’s voice counts in that setting will avoid this snare.
Pain
Fear
of Insults and Offense
 |
If
a person is insulted
or if his feelings are hurt, then he may retaliate to either a) hide his pain, or
b) seek to
‘settle the score’ by way of revenge.
If
this happens accidentally, then an apology is in order.
If there are two ways to get your point across, and one may offend, then
choose the other one. Some people
are oversensitive, or may use the threat of being offended as a manipulative
tool, but let’s face it; some cats you have to stroke.
If your goal is to attract flies, then there are two effective
approaches. The first approach
requires you to slop manure on the table; the second requires a bowl of honey. Which do you want in your kitchen? |
Now that we have identified the dangerous snares, it is time to get about to laying the foundation for a safe environment.
Step One: Set the Tone
If the other person has his guard up
for whatever reason, one easy tool to set the tone is small
talk.
Choose a subject the
other person is interested in, and chit chat.
This will lower defenses and produce a cooperative mood.
Let the other person lead, and maintain a genuine interest.
Above all, don’t feign
interest; if the person thinks you are engaged in deception or manipulation,
then you will have violated trust, and that is a long uphill climb back to
solving the problem.
Another method of setting the tone is
humor. Laughter is very disarming and will soften up most people.
Make sure the humor is appropriate, however; humor that is divisive or
disparaging to others is counterproductive.
One unconscious but effective tool is
the use of body
language.
An
aggressive posture with arms folded in front can be off putting, so keep your
arms in a loose, friendly position. If
the other person is demonstrating a similar posture, use a ruse to physically
open him up (for example, ask him to hand you something from a shelf, or offer a
hand to shake—both of which he must unfold his arms to do). As a basic rule, if he is sitting, you sit; if he is
standing, you stand. If possible,
sit in a lower chair to avoid towering over the other person, and make sure the
angle you face him is neutral, so he doesn’t feel backed into a corner.
Step Two: Remove the Threat
| As stated above, many of the snares
involve a misconception in status, so establish the roles.
Doing this properly should avoid many of the above snares.
Establish from the start that you are partners,
not enemies. After you have
constructed that basis, then establish a level playing field. If the other person understands that you are both accountable
to the same criteria, it should help guarantee a safe environment. |
 |
Next, set
goals together that are
mutually agreeable, for example that you are searching for a solution,
not a place to put the blame. Make
sure the goal is principle based, or it can become very subjective.
Finally, you should set rules to
govern the pursuit of your goal that give both of you freedom. This will promote accountability
not control, once again putting you both on the same level.
Additionally, your rules should include escape
routes so that if things get too heated, you have the freedom to
step back. Also, your confrontation
must be private.
If the problem is between the two of you, then there is no need to have
anyone else present. If the first confrontation fails, then bring a trusted mutual
friend to the second confrontation. Making
the problem public will put him on the defensive, and should only be used as a
last resort.
Study the types of situations that
threaten people, and ways to neutralize the fear, the embarrassment, the
helplessness and the pain. If you
refine your skills at providing a safe environment, you will find that people
will begin to trust you more often and be more willing to communicate honestly.
In most cases, the reason people hold concerns on the inside is that they
fear a bad reaction. If you play
your cards right, you may turn a potential enemy into an ally.
“Am I not
destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”
--Abraham Lincoln
Darren Turney
15 July 05
