Have
You Been SAVED Part III
Attention
“It is a way of calling a man a
fool when no attention is given to what he says.”
—Sir Roger L’Estrange
Welcome to the third installment of our series!
By way of review, SAVED is an acronym for a
five-fold method of toning down the intensity of a situation, which stands for Safety,
Attention, Value,
Empathy,
and Decency.
Any fire needs fuel, so by learning to manage the emotional climate of
the encounter, we can protect ourselves from the emotional snares that make bad
situations worse, and set the stage for a peaceful resolution.
We have already discussed Safety. Let’s
take a look at Attention.
I saw a T-shirt that read “I’m not
ignoring you; you’re just insignificant.”
Giving people your attention is the primary access into
dismantling hostility because it is a compliment in itself; it is the first step
in showing them that they have value. But
in a practical sense, it is not enough. Attention to the other person is only half the story, for if
your attention goes unnoticed, then little progress can be made.
Let’s look at a functional example of this.
Let’s say you’re at the doctor’s office, and the physician comes in
to examine you. He spends his time
looking at his chart, he never looks you in the eye, and he doesn’t seem to
respond when you give him your complaint. Now
let’s go to a different doctor. He
introduces himself when he enters the room, shaking your hand.
He sits down and asks you what the problem is, and gives you feedback on
your complaints, often asking more specific questions, or clarifying minor
points. When he does consult his
chart, he informs you of the significance of the data, letting you in on the
information.
Which doctor will you trust? Actually, both doctors heard everything you said and may give
you the same treatment, but (and this is the point) the second doctor will have
your loyalty because he let
you know that you had his attention.
We multi-task on a daily basis
(women
are especially adept at it because they have more connectors between the two
hemispheres of the brain, and the connectors they have are larger). You have probably had days where you had to juggle several
responsibilities too. The
unfortunate side effect is that people aren’t always completely convinced that
they have your undivided attention, and that can cause problems.
It’s not enough to notice what others are saying; they
have to see that you do.
How do you let someone know that what they say to you is registering?
| First and foremost is this: Stop
what you are doing.
Married couples play this game very effectively.
The wife will try to talk to the husband, who is organizing the DVDs on
the shelf and he doesn’t stop the stacking.
If the wife vocalizes her irritation, the husband will respond with, ‘Of
course I was listening, honey. I
can do more than one thing at a time!’
He missed the point entirely.
Whether intentional or not, what he is really communicating is ‘what
you have to say is not important enough for me to cease this vital task of
alphabetizing my action movies.’ Accidental or not, it raises the tension. |
|
Eye
contact
is also very important. What is the number one signal that someone is being dishonest
or dishonorable to you? They
won’t look you in the eye. When you
face someone, even if it is in opposition, you are at least honoring them by
being upfront about it. Averting
the eyes can turn a mere negative comment into a cheap shot.
Feedback
is also an effective method of displaying your attention.
Responding with occasional affirmations lets them know you are listening,
especially if you rephrase what they say and hand it back to them.
Have you ever been on the phone with someone and your mind wanders, but
you still mechanically repeat “Uh huh” every
few seconds so they don’t know you are ignoring them?
You might be able to get away with that on the phone, but not in a face
to face conversation. Even if you
disagree with them, you can respond with “So what you
are saying is xyz, right?”
That gives them the opportunity to either confirm or correct the
statement. I have had conversations
that started out heated, but that ended up rather pleasant by using this factor
alone.
It would be easy (and
counter productive) to rephrase what a person says in such a way as to
make it appear ridiculous. For
example, I don’t know any Democrats that would embrace the Republican
definition that a Democrat is ‘a
bleeding heart wimp who wants to let all the criminals go free and solves
problems by throwing money at it—your money!’ By the same token, I know of no Republicans that would use the Democrat
definition that a Republican is ‘a rich
bigot who wants to destroy the environment and help big business screw over the
little guy!’
We want clarification not condemnation.
When
you give someone your attention, you are telling them that they matter, and when
you deny them the same, you are telling them they don’t. Start off on the right foot.
It is such an easy thing to do, but the ripples can be far reaching.
“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention." --Richard Moss
Darren Turney
15 October 2005