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“Manners are just a formal expression of how you treat people.” --Molly Ivins
During a tense
situation, people often impatiently say things in the heat of the moment
that are rude, insensitive or sometimes even downright insulting. A natural reaction is to snap back, and before you know it,
the whole situation has spiraled beyond control.
Rudeness and prickly behavior can become a catalyst for hostility,
and those familiar emotional snares show up again to sabotage any hope of
resolution. But decency can
make the harshness of truth easier to swallow.
The solution is
actually quite simple: follow the Golden Rule.
Treat people the way you would want to be treated.
It sounds trite and easy; I know, so don’t roll your eyes and
complain that I am trying to shove Matthew 7:12 down your throat.
There is actually more there than meets the eye, so lets unpack
this and take a closer look at four
faces of the G-Rule. Be
Gentle “A
soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1 If the situation were
reversed, you would want the other person to be gentle, not cruel.
Feelings are fragile things, and if we treat a verbal exchange with
all the grace of a mad bull in a china shop, we can expect disaster.
It doesn’t matter if the other person is in the wrong;
bludgeoning him will not fix the problem.
All the other person will hear is hostility and so there will be no
meaningful communication. My mother used to
work for the phone company, and sometimes callers would be so upset they
would take out their frustration on her.
Had she shouted back, nothing would have gotten accomplished and
she could have lost her job. Therefore,
as a rule, the
louder they get, the quieter you get.
This is not to say that you offer yourself as a doormat.
The alpha male in a wolf pack isn’t the one making all the
noise—he is in control and knows it. It is the betas and lower that resort to volume.
With no verbal shouting to feed the rage, it will usually top out
sooner rather than later, and the shouter will quiet himself down.
Even if that doesn’t happen, then legally you are protected
because you will have shown yourself to be the reasonable one, not the
antagonist. As someone once
said, “Treat
everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because
they are nice, but because you are.”
Be
Generous “Good
manners are made up of petty sacrifices.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson If you were in the
other person’s shoes, you wouldn’t want them to be stingy with you.
Generosity can get you past the trivial issues to the real root of
the problem, kind of like a bribe to a corrupt guard to get you in the
door. It’s amazing how
childish we can become when we are upset, and we will quibble over the
most trivial victories. If
you are willing to bite your cheek and make some small sacrifices,
including giving the benefit of the doubt when it is clearly unearned, you
can go a long way to fixing the root of the problem.
Good manners will open doors that the best connections cannot.
This also means
passing up cheap shots when they present themselves.
It is very tempting when you believe yourself to be in the right to
‘stick it to them’ every now and then.
While it can satisfy that dark part of our nature, it can destroy
your attempts to make peace.
Be
Genuine “A
liar will not be believed, even when he speaks the truth.”
--Aesop
No one likes being
played or manipulated. Many
good messages are ruined by insincere sales pitch, and one thing even
children can pick up on is a phony. If
the other person thinks that you are only saying what you’re saying to
maneuver them to do what you want, then all dialogue from that moment on
is tainted. A fake delivery
undermines your message. Instead,
be real with the person. Not
brutally honest, but authentic. Don’t
pretend to be perfect, and if the two of you don’t get along, don’t
act as though you are best friends. That
will cause mistrust, and you will have to begin at square one again.
Decency is not the same as flattery (decency
is honest while flattery is not), but it can accomplish some of the
same things, and will provide a stable basis for future experiences.
As Teddy Roosevelt said, “The
most practical kind of politics is the politics of decency.”
Use
Guidelines “There
can be no defense like elaborate courtesy.”
--E. V. Lucas I don’t know anyone
who is offended by good manners, but when people commit social blunders (even
unknowingly), things can get ugly.
This is why many Japanese and French people dislike Americans,
because they are constantly breaking social rules of which they are
unaware. The reason diplomats
rely so much upon protocol (a set of conventions
that governs etiquette and correct procedure) is because it
protects diplomats from
embarrassing themselves or offending others.
In this sense, standards
of behavior rescue you.
They show you what to do when things get sticky.
Many city council or PTA groups use Robert’s Rules for this
purpose. If there is a strict
procedure, then it becomes very difficult for a person to accuse you of
showing favoritism, being subjective, or otherwise unfair.
A classic example is
American football. The
referee needs a specific reason to blow his whistle and throw a flag on a
play. There are definite
no-no’s, and they protect the players from bad sportsmanship and injury.
When there is a dispute, they go to the rulebook, not the toughest
guy on the field. There are those who
say that each situation is different and the dynamics can change from
moment to moment. This is
where the concept of the spirit of the law comes into play.
Can exceptions be made? Of
course! Mercy is powerful and
useful for reconciliation, but without the standard to hold it up, mercy
becomes a license to behave badly. As
someone said, “A God all mercy is a God unjust.”
Remove the rules, and the only way order can be maintained is
through brute force. This is
what distinguishes a civilized country from a dictatorship. “Manners
are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have
that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.”
--Emily Post In conclusion, if we
maintain the four faces of the G-Rule (Be gentle, be
generous, be genuine, and use guidelines), there is nothing to
offend, and therefore, the confrontation can be more easily patched up.
“Whoever one is, and wherever one is, one is always in the wrong if one is rude.” --Maurice Baring Darren Turney February 2008
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